i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
