using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He did a backflip because drugs
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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