i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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