Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
