she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Randomize
