I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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