Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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