I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
