and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
