I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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