so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
