It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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