I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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