Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
