Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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