Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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