My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
is wine microwaveable?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
