I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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