I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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