Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
