i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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