if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
