Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
