everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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