We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
