Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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