my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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