I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
