I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I need to calm my uterus...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
