Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
