The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
