you lied. pity sex is amazing.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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