this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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