you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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