Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
