got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
