I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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