dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
