omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
