I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
