i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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