i just had sex bonerless
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
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