dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
