I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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