My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
