Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
