Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
