The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I did not marry a roomba.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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