you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
