If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Randomize
