i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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