He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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