Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
So much Jack, so little girl.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
