Fine. I'll sleep in my office
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize