Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize