I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
