What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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