Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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