my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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