if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
