omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
