im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize