The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Randomize
